As we age, in our quiet moments, it’s easy to look back on “what was” with regret, to be dissatisfied or frustrated with “what is,” and to be anxious about “what will be.” How do we dance joyfully with our past, our present, and our future?
Dancing With What Was
“If you become addicted to looking back, half your life will be spent in distraction and the other half in regret.” Rumi
As you think about your past is “if only” a recurring a thought? Regret keeps you living in the past. It’s time to let your “if onlys” go.
My brother died 18 years ago. For a long time after his passing I lived with regret for the judgmental things I said to him about his lifestyle. “If only” I had been more compassionate and accepting our relationship would have been more joyful and less turbulent. I regretted not apologizing for my attitude and behavior before he passed.
One day I realized that my regret was only chaining me to my past, less compassionate self. So I wrote my deceased brother a letter asking for his forgiveness for the hurt I had caused him and expressing my love for him. Then I entrusted myself and my brother to the boundless mercy of God and let my regret for my behavior go. When I let it go, the “if onlys” stopped haunting me.
Do you have regret for past actions or attitudes? If the person you hurt is still alive, make amends now before it’s tool late. If the person you injured has died, find a way to express your amends and ask for forgiveness. Then let it go.
The best way to dance with “what was” is to do whatever it takes to let it go.
Dancing With What Is
“…gratitude is a philosopher’s stone that transforms affliction into grace.” Rumi, from Light Upon Light, Andrew Harvey
As I wrote in a previous post, “growing old is not for sissies. Aging can leave us with health problems, financial problems, loneliness, and grief. So how do we dance with “what is” when life sucks?
Focus on what you can be grateful for.
Are you alive? Be grateful. Did the sun come up this morning? Be grateful. Is your belly full? Be grateful. Do you have someone who cares about you? Be grateful.
We just got a dog. He’s a 3 year-old Doberman-Border Collie mix. Toby is full of energy, full of love and playfulness, and quite undisciplined. We’ve had a challenging weekend waiting for the trainer to come and teach him (and us) how to behave. Rather that focusing on the disruption and challenges Toby has brought, I’ve tried to focus on what I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for the love Toby shows us. I’m grateful for the opportunity for my wife to have the dog she has longed for since her previous dog died.
Gratitude sucks the suckiness out of life.
The best way to dance with “what is” is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude.
Dancing with What Will Be
“Present moment, wonderful moment.” Thich Nhat Hahn
Will my pick for president be elected? Will my health fail? Will I have enough money? Will I die alone?
Anxiety for the future robs you of the joy of the present moment.
As Michael Bungay-Stanier says, “What you can’t control, you can’t control–no point in worrying about it. What you can control you will control–no point in worrying about it.”
Sure planning and preparation are important for handling what may come. But staying in the “present, wonderful moment” is the best way of dancing with what will be. After all, the present moment is all we have.
The secret to dancing with what was, what is, and what will be, is living in the present moment you have been given.
The music of what was, what is, and what will be is always playing. The dance you choose can make the present moment a wonderful moment.
Jim Cyr is a trained spiritual companion who helps older adults reflect on the meaning of their lives and how God has been present or absent as they face the challenges of aging and end of life.