Twilight years are not easy. Physical decline, sickness, grief and loss, ongoing family problems, loneliness, or financial worries can turn our twilight years into a midnight of pain and sorrow.
So how does an older adult cope with the challenges inherent in aging? Loving-kindness is a powerful coping strategy for those of us in later life.
What is Lovingkindness?
Lovingkindness refers to an unconditional, inclusive form of love and goodwill toward all beings, including oneself.
Lovingkindness is characterized by:
- Universal benevolence – wishing well for all beings without exception.
- Non-attachment – offering goodwill without expecting anything in return.
- Active compassion – a genuine desire for others to be happy and free from suffering.
- Self-inclusion – extending the same kindness to oneself as to others.
In practice, lovingkindness looks like:
- A genuine wish for others’ happiness and wellbeing.
- Patience and understanding toward others’ mistakes or shortcomings.
- The ability to see past surface differences to recognize our shared humanity.
- A warm, open-hearted attitude toward life and all beings.
Lovingkindness Toward Ourselves
photo by Fellipe Ditadi on Unsplash+
A lifetime of living sometimes leaves us with regret for what we have done and what we have left undone. It can sometimes leave us feeling bitter for the way our life turned out.
Practicing lovingkindness toward ourselves can bring relief to the pain of regret or bitterness. It’s accepting that we are flawed and imperfect human beings. Buddhist teacher, Pema Chödrön, explains that lovingkindness toward ourselves is about befriending who we are with all our flaws and foibles.
Loving kindness towards ourselves doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. It means we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already. The Wisdom of No Escape: And the Path of Loving-Kindness (1991).
Befriending who we are with patience and understanding toward our mistakes and shortcomings only makes sense as we navigate our twilight years, for regret or bitterness will not change the past, they will only darken the present.
Lovingkindness Toward Others
photo by Fellipe Ditadi on Unsplash+
As Sharon Salzberg explains, lovingkindness toward others plants seeds that bloom into happiness for those we show lovingkindness toward and for ourselves.
“The intentions or motives that underlie all of our words and actions plant seeds. Certain kinds of intentions will inevitably bear fruits of the same type. This also is an infallible law of nature. Wholesome intentions- like lovingkindness, compassion, honesty, and respect for the lives and property of others- if they manifest in action will sooner or later bear us the fruits of happiness. Unwholesome intentions – like hatred, cruelty, duplicity – will bear us the fruits of suffering if we express them in words or deeds. No action is without consequences.”
Sharon Salzberg, Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
Have your twilight years been darkened by distress or disappointment? Practice lovingkindness toward others and watch the sunrise of happiness break over the horizon of your of your life.
photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash
Jim Cyr is a trained spiritual companion who helps older adults reflect on the meaning of their lives and how God has been present or absent as they face the challenges of aging and end of life.